Would you like some red ribbon with that feta?

I read women’s magazines although sometimes I really hate them. So I try not to read them too often. They always tell you how to do the exact things that should be done from instinct. The things it is vital you do not try and imitate from someone else’s instructions. Like strip dancing for your husband or something – that one in particular irritates me because take a relatively shy, reserved woman and imagine her husband’s surprise upon coming home. I’m not saying it can’t be sexy from a certain type of woman – but it has to be done naturally and without reservation – something a shy woman probably cannot pull off. I can only imagine the embarrassing scenarios that ensue. My point is only that the best things come without instructions and are done with no script in mind.

One of the article types I do like though are the ones that explain body language, usually between couples, sometimes between friends. In the early stages of a romantic relationship two people usually wrestle around. Although Bud and I have been dating well over a year, we are still in this stage. It’ll start with a playful argument over something dumb – who should go fetch two cold beers from the fridge – and inevitably turn into a wrestling match. Usually, these are fun – I use the pinch beneath the upper arm method and Bud generally just pins me because he is stronger. Sometimes though, the matches turn ugly. One person will continue to laugh maniacally while the other winces in true pain. Because of this, we’ve had to develop safe words. So far, they are actually working. I’ll be writhing on the couch when the tickling goes too far so I start yelling, “feta cheese, feta cheese!” Our other one is “red ribbon” which Bud invoked on me – I think unfairly – because I was snuggling too close to his face. I can only imagine how we look from the outside. We’ll be sitting around watching TV with friends one day when I get “too” close to Bud and he’ll mutter, “feta cheese Hope, feta cheese!”