Deja Vu

Bud gets home today! Again! From another trip! I was talking to a (long-distance) friend this morning about just how incredibly lonely it is to be in a place without close friends. And how cloying the advice to "join a club" is - even though given with the best of intentions. Go out! Talk to someone at a coffee shop! But I know, and really they know, that should I lean over and try to make small talk with a woman my age at a coffee shop all I would get is a nervous stare. And then she would leave and for the rest of her day wonder who that creep was. And frankly, I wouldn't blame her. Because I would probably do the same thing. I went to the pool yesterday, alone (but see how brave I am?!), and held my breath pretending not to listen to the conversation of the big, happy group next to me. Because actually? I was just jealous of that fact that they had each other. And were hanging out. Their conversation was incredibly dumb (a sample of which I will put below) but I think it was mostly dumb because I wasn't a part of it, and wish I had been. I roll my eyes whenever I see a gaggle of squealing girls and yet, I want to be part of that gaggle and when I have been, I squealed stupid things just as much. Or more maybe. And the thing is - I, we, have lots of friends. We've just scattered so much over the years and it seems to get harder to make true, intimate friends after college. And so my life consists of extraordinarily boring weeks combined with extraordinarily fun, if irregular, visits. I just want it to even out a little. Spying at the pool: "She's a virgin," "Oh really!? She is?!" "Yep, and so he's got to pretend he's all good too now! Hahaha." ...... "SO, are you hooking up with Chris?" "I don't know." "How can you NOT KNOW?" ...... "Do you realize you walked into the wrong house last night? You could've been arrested!" "I know, I like to get in trouble." Pause. "No you don't, you're never in trouble." "You're right, I mean, uh, I like to almost get in trouble."